Confused

Now I do not know anymore what is going on.
The whole last week I have let myself go, until I did not know anymore in which direction I wanted to go and where I did belong to. Saturday evening was a huge waste. I almost had cried. Then I could only laugh about it. Now at the moment I do not know what is going on. I find everything quite funny, but where am I?

I just noticed that my handwriting is horrible. I should really try more to get some regularity into my handwriting, as I have succeeded so well during the meditation retreat in summer. When one tries, then one also gets much calmer.

A warning!

If someone should have dared to read this diary until here, you shall put this away immediately! Because what follows now is for no-one's eyes!

Added on 11 January 1981:
Keep reading. 
Even if that has originally not been written for others to see.
If you have read everything, you will be the only person who will understand me completely.

Creative activity warms!

When drawing, painting, or playing piano I have to take the sweater off, otherwise I am getting too warm. The creative activity apparently creates a heightened body temperature!

New confidence

Since a few hours I am once again have made a new experience. (A good beginning! I still have to decide how to continue!) So: until now I only did look at external qualities. But now I know that inner values have more meaning than the outer skin. I always knew this, but it never did appear in practise. I was always desperate, stubbornly went into one direction, cried when I was not successful, and pushed all responsibility to god. Today I let god act, and I just let myself flow through the events, without influencing them. It was successful. I was distracted from my goal, but got a new one. God, thank you!



Yes, after that nice evening hike I realized that I should not focus so much on R, but rather accept St. I did have a good time, walking through the forest in the evening with that group of other teenagers. Night set in, and it was magical. No desperation as a similar night hike had caused half a year ago. I was actually happy tonight!

The Mill of Time

Very strange.
We say that time is running fast.
But while we live, nothing exiting happens. We have breakfast, eat lunch, have dinner, every day like the previous one.
No important events, or only seemingly none?
While time is flowing, we change, get older.
We do not notice how drop by drop our life moves on.
Only when looking back one notices the turns in life.
During the normal living, everything appears to be normal and usual.
One is waiting for changes, for events, for things to happen.
But nothing happens.
So it seems!
While we look intensively into one direction, the event happens quietly behind our back, and we notice nothing.
Therefore: be open towards all sides!
Sometimes turn and look into the other direction!
Then perhaps one sees how the mill is turning, even if it is turning only very slowly.

Moving on

I have done it: I have written my first few words into this diary.
Not much there, I try to keep it cryptic. What if someone finds these writings? It would be very embarrassing. I want to keep them secret, for myself.

Yesterday evening was the end of an era. And the beginning of a new one.
My first real big love is over.
Of course, I only know the "love in vain". There was no relationship. I was just hoping, longing, from afar.
She was unreachable.
I sat next to her yesterday, physically so close. A smile to her.
But not know what to say.
She is with my best friend. Yes, my best friend is her boyfriend. I do not have a chance.
And I have given up any chances I ever had.
When sitting next to her yesterday evening, at the party, I realised how idiotic I have been.
And I took a deep breath, and got up.
Walked out, out of the room, into the garden where the others were playing.
Some silly games. Sitting in a circle, telling stories, knitting hair.
A new bunch of people, I have never met them.
They were new in our gang.
I join them, make jokes, have fun.
The past is forgotten. A new era begins.
Yes, this is fun. I enjoy these new people.
A group of girls. Four of them. I can take my pick :)
If I would only dare...
I am actually excelling, going beyond where I have been before. I am weaving somebody's hair into some weird sculpture. This is fun, enjoyable. I like the girl to whom I am doing this. Her name is R. She has a sister, Ch. There is also Bee, and St. Bee has short hair, so no body can make anything out of her hair. She is quite funny, and so is St. We are having a great time.
I am moving on. I leave those past 5 months behind me. They have been the worst in my life so far. Never before have I had such a rollercoaster of feelings. Up and down. And in the end no result.
Have I learned anything? No.
But I move on.
I really like R.

My Very First Entry in a Diary

Hope is dangerous.
Hope disappoints.
empty - - -
desolate - - -
finished? - -
finished! - -

March - April - May - June - July -
5 months lived in vain.
in vain?
No hope - -
Hope gone - -
I am still living - - -
the world moves on - -
Hope is dangerous
"... love, faith, hope ..."
hope?
hope = frustration
self deception
"baaaaah!"

BOOK I

BOOK 1

19 July 1980 - 28 July 1981

... and the hope for a new life was gambled away. (18 Oct 1981)

A new book. Nicely bound, grey paper, environmentally friendly. 200 empty pages, waiting to be filled with content.

I could have written already much, in the past few months. But I did not...

This book will contain some of my thoughts. I am not yet sure, what I shall write in it. But I want to keep the events, want to reflect on them, want to document them, so that later I have a record of what happened, and in particular of what I thought and felt about it.

I will write entries into this diary.
These entries will be written in this style, so that they can be distinguished from my other ramblings.

I really look forward to have then a written account of all of the things that will still happen to me.

Currently I only have my little notes from the calendar notebook, where I wrote since the beginning of this year the weather - every day. I had begun these actually in autumn 1977 and did continue throughout the whole year of 1978. Then for 1979 I did not have a calendar notebook anymore... so no weather for 1979. But with the beginning of this year I had started to write down the weather. And I began to note down when I was away or was sick. And in addition I also began to write down my own mood, indicated by a few small arrows, up or down (first such was on 31 March 1980). Then I did continue this and added those arrows more frequently. So up to now I do have a good collection of my mood in the past few months.

Nothing very positive... it has all been a disaster, and I hope that eventually I will come out of it.

Right now it still looks all very bleak....

Beginning of a diary

Last year I had tried to begin a diary. I wrote something in a notebook, but then I tore out the page and threw it away. Too risky, what if someone finds it and reads it?

But now I think that I should start one. Would have been good to have a diary through these past months, as many details will be forgotten... but I am scared to write things down, too embarrassed.

So for now I am just sticking a few items into the grey book made out of recycled paper: my biorythm plot since last December, for example. I have tried to see if that really is true: have indicated good days and bad days. Well, there seems to be some correlation.

I cut out a few things from the photographs which I took, and patched them on the first pages of the diary. Well, not very impressive, but is a start.

Her birthday today

Today is her birthday.
I want to give her a call, but I am too embarrassed to do it from home. My parents would hear everything, the phone is right in the centre of the apartment. So I have to get out, to call from a public phone nearby.
I make up a reason, around noon, to go to a store, have to buy a ruler. I buy the ruler, go to the phone booth. Then hesitate. I am too afraid of doing it. Go back home again.

Why so afraid? What is the worst that can happen?
It is not logical... but I do have my irrational fears. What if she laughs at me? What it that news of my little affection for her travels to my friends and colleagues? They would laugh at me....

Back home I get angry, about myself.
I try again, another pretext to get out of the house.
Again standing at the phone booth. The heart sinks down. I do not have the guts to call her.

Back home again, I cannot believe it. What a looser.

Tonight in the evening I will see her. I will congratulate her to her birthday. And I will hug her. Maybe give her a kiss?

Not sure if I will really do this... but at least I can fantasize about it.

warmer, cloudy.

cloudy.

Morning fog. sunny.

morning fog, then sunny. Blue sky.

morning frost, sunny, blue sky.

sunny, blue sky.

cooler, sunny, blue sky. a bit misty.

mild, sunny, blue sky.

cool, sunny, blue sky. Performing at Music Recital in the evening.

cold, sunny, blue sky.

overcast.

mild

cooler.

mild.

mild.

cooler.

mild.

cooler, sunny.

mild, rain.

mild. Party.

mild. School festival.

mild. river flooding.

mild, rain. river flooding.

mild, rain. river flooding.

warm

mild, then colder.

warm. rain.
Taking part in music performance competition.

rain, snow

mild. rain.

cloudy, overcast. Still sick.

cold, sunny. Am sick.

cold. Am sick.

snowfall. cold. snow stays.
am sick, with a flue.

colder.
Am getting sick, flue.

Icy.

Lots of snowfall in the night. Icy during the day.

warm.

Lots of snowfall during the night. Icy in the morning, but then warmer. +5 C.

warmer

cold.

cold. river freezes.

cold, a little warmer

cold. blue sky.

a little warmer

very cold. -10C. high fog.

Very cold: -12C. blue sky.

frosty. sunny, blue sky. 

cold.

permafrost, the whole day. snowfall.

cold, frosty.

snow. does not stay, melts away.

mild.

mild, cloudy.

mild. snow is gone.

mild. thawing. Visiting A.

cold. some sunshine.

3cm new snow. cold.

snow. cold. 
Visiting H.

New Year

cold, cloudy.
a walk.

This year I will use the little calendar which I got from H as a Christmas present, and I will note there the weather. I always wanted to keep a report on the weather, now is my chance of doing it. Unfortunately I do not have a thermometer, so I will only be able to write general observations.