Inner dispute

I might be allowed to go with them to the winter holiday. Today I apparently looked very bad and also felt that way, I am having a terrible cold the whole week. And my mother seemed to suspect that I had problems.

Now I am split:

Pro:
- they will be there
- I must not sequester myself
- I want to rest and would come back recovered

Contra:
- the others are also there (A, H)
- a certain loss of credibility (?)
- too expensive (need ski equipment)
- parents, christmas, presents, celebration
- homework during the holidays

If I would go to that winter vacation, it could happen that I sequester, that I am isolated.

If I stay, I AM isolated.
I would cry every night, I know that already now.
Well then, mercy, Lord!
BTW, where have you been recently?
Do you exist?
What is that game that you are playing with me?

A terrible day

I am soon exploding!
Today everything went wrong.
I have a terrible anger in my stomach.
But just one hour ago nothing seemed to matter!
I was quiet and balanced.
Even though I had behaved today typically idiotically.
So half in trance, only with a few contributions to conversations... well;
then my photographs had not yet been ready, the pictures which I was so looking forward to!
Now I again cannot show them tomorrow!

But the highlight was when my parents were here, even though they had planned to go shopping. I was so looking forward to play my piano improvisations, especially because I did feel that today was my mots musical day since a long time. The whole day I melodies went in my head, from Gregorian Choral to Rock'n Roll, from melodic to extatic.

Well, such a shit day!

Crazy

Now again everything is completely different!
I am getting crazy!
Everything goes its way.
Somewhere it also ends.
Everything moves towards a goal.
But I am not recognising this goal.
Sometimes I believe that I recognise it, but these are only "Fata Morganas".
I cannot say anything definitive anymore.
Since a long time.
I only know that actually I find all humans nice.
One cannot hate a human when you know him/her - or understand him/her.
But one of them I do not understand.

Happy

I think I have gotten a new self awareness. I am feeling strong and happy. I am looking forward, even if there perhaps the foundation to new conflicts has been laid.

Funny times!

Ha! That was funny today!
This time I am writing these words without any evil ironic undertone!
It was really funny!
In the 6th hour.
From now on I am engaged as physics tutor for them.
Wednesday, 6th hour.
That will be funny!

Mindless

What I find idiotic is that when talking to other people I stop thinking. Very often in recent times it happened to me that some things that I should have asked or should have said only come into my mind later.
Terrible!

Irony of fate

So, yesterday evening is now also gone.
What am I going to do now?
I feel how I really have gotten a tough nucleus inside me. I do not even value past events anymore, but only value future events.
When I think about it, it is all my fault. I have gotten there by my inattentiveness, my wrong pride, which after a long period of rest comes up again.
The 22 nov is over. It was the key date. From now on everything is pre-programmed. Yesterday - irony of fate - I was in church, which half a year ago did hear my laments, my desires. And yesterday I did sit next to S, Ch, and R.
What a cruel irony!
Half a year too late!
And I am in exactly the same situation like 8 months ago, in March.
So, from now on I will work hard in school. Everything else does not matter.
And should I dry out, then it is the fault of the others!

Reflection

Just now I have read all my diary entries up to now. Very interesting! But I have not much time to dwell on this, because - I am now going to R's birthday party! Oh divine chaos!

Growing up

Yesterday... I am completely finished.
Everything went wrong. But apparently I have gotten a touch nucleus in me.
Everything just bounces off me. I was not even shaken.
No wonder, if you read the diary up to here.

But now for something completely different: my beard is growing since a few weeks! The eye brows are suddenly so thick and bushy.
Sometimes I do not recognize myself in the mirror.
But internally I feel not progressing at all. There is still that childish romanticism, that day dreaming etc. I cannot imagine that I shall shave soon.

Something I noticed: when I close an entry like this, I often write some encouraging words at the end, even though I was not keen on encouragement and superficiality. Also a few hours later that closing seems strange to me.
One can conclude from this that while writing I calm myself down so that I pluck up some courage. But this only lasts for a short time.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day which I have to live, which I am not allowed to skip, even though I would like that.

Well, take care.

Lonely and excluded

I have become lonely.
Today that became very clear to me.
A few days or weeks ago it did not matter to me.
I just ignored this A-group, because I did have another goal.
But now also this has been smashed, of course under great help of A, and I am standing in front of the wreck of my future.
In two days we will travel for a day trip into the big city.
I see no hope.
But despite everything being broken, I will try to use every possible chance.
I cannot be so easily be put down!

Well, for crying out loud!
After the break today I almost did.
Now after the orchestra session I have a bit calmed down. Also the bicycle ride before did help.

But I am excluded.
Excluded from the activities "they" are doing on Saturday evening.
All my fault.
And now also betrayed by my own desires.

Eloi, eloi, lama sabatachni

Being open-minded

Nowadays I am starting everyday with big expectations. That is strange, because I know exactly that nothing new can happen. My chances are gone.

Despite this.
The day before yesterday, yesterday, and today I am looking forward to everything that will happen. "looking forward" maybe a bot strong, but I am curious.
I still do not give up anything. I do not get attached to anything, but am just living in the expectation that something will come.
A little bit of deliberation, otherwise just chance.
Sometimes I do succeed with a few "tricks" (is not really the right word), for example on Friday, or yesterday when I said "ask if also my piano lesson is cancelled".
It is clear that with my natural way I cannot progress.
I have to help artificially and with deliberation. I am disgusted by this.
Is a consequence of A's influence.
One or 1 1/2 years ago I was natural, optimistic, full of hope and expectations. The year 1980 has destroyed everything.
I am still standing, but without own initiative.
Yesterday I did repair a bicycle lamp. Maybe I should be more open in that direction. Sure!
This is my own, last chance. Otherwise I would have to start from the very beginning. And that is not healthy.
But for this chance I am lacking the motivation. The same as the two other "chances".
Well, does not matter. Waiting, open-minded (like already 2 months ago, so that again such a chaos can begin) for a chance.

Zig-zag

Finished? I am thinking so...
No hope more for the trip in 2 weeks.
Being afraid of the winter holiday.
Finished?
Damned asshole! (not you, the reader, but the other)
Helplessness.
In-vain illusions.
Like always.
zig-zag, zig-zag, zig-zag, ...
No real finish.
No marking stones.
Only zig-zag, zig-zag
Half a year ago - boom - - end.
Now:
zig-zag, zig-zag, zig-zag.

First time mentioning the word "love"

Oh no! It cannot go on like this!
This zig-zag line this week!
Up and down! And of course again A!

Tuesday and Thursday everything was finished for me.
Monday and Wednesday were lucky days.
And today's Friday?
Already yesterday evening I had begun to calm myself down. Nothing yet was lost! On the contrary: things were as good as never before!
Despite this I hate him.

Today was nothing special. So, and now I put here down in writing what I have thought about yesterday evening:
I have set myself a goal.
I will try to reach this goal, despite all resistance.
For a love there are two needed.
One alone cannot love!
To be in love means to want to learn to love the other.
That is terribly difficult!
I know this throughout the whole year 1980.
When I try hard and do not stagnate in expectations, then it must succeed!
I am against the term "falling in love". Has somewhat a connotation of being lost.

So, that's it.
You have still everything ahead of you!
Good luck!

New confidence

Funny, too funny!
What has really happened in recent days? The whole last week: monotonously increasing resignation. A, the incarnation of evil!
At the weekend: strengthening, reinforcement, but in negative direction!
Evil is trump!
Courage, spontaneity! I get up again and encourage myself into hatred and evil-ness.

Then, Monday, first unbelievable success.
Tuesday, unbelievable success.
Wednesday, unbelievable success.
Only now I realise what has happened. Only now I become conscious of my success. A pity that we have now a few days off. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday will pass by in vain.
But Monday! Or? Wait.
Courage, spontaneity, rational thinking!

So far everything has gone wrong when I let myself be guided by feelings. But once I did switch them off, success comes. What a terrible lesson have I to learn from this?

I am disgusted by the word "success". I do not want success, but happiness. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I did not demand anything from god, and did not thank for anything. Maybe it is best to rely only on yourself, and not push responsibility to god.

So now I am responsible myself. Well, good luck!

Autumn

Autumn is the most beautiful of the seasons. Everything slowly dies, it is getting cooler, morning fog, sometimes blue sky, wonderful bizarre clouds, storms blow the fallen leafs up, the trees are covered in there most beautiful colors before they die.

The most beautiful time of the day is the evening. This half-state in between day and night, the twilight. It is quiet, and not loud and noisy like the morning.

Well, who cares.

No own initiative

Quite a long time has passed since my last entry. In the meantime my cold got terrible, so probably on Saturday I will not go to our TP evening. It does not matter to me now. Last Saturday I would have not been so indifferent. After that Thursday and Friday it would have been a catastrophy if I had not got gone on Saturday!
But I had been wrong. The evening hike was a big disaster. Once again I only could laugh about myself. I mostly walked alone. Then, on Monday, full of new hope - fiasco. Tuesday: fiasco. Wednesday - guess what? Damned!

I should not complain so much. Because when I look in different directions, then something did quite improve. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - days of reconciliation!

But still. No I had once tried to do my own thing, to have a wish myself (after a long time) and to try to fulfil it - and what? Again higher powers. I am a playball of god. Well, wait.

I have no drive or courage to get up again. The own initiative is gone! I let myself drift. (Wait how long that lasts! In recent weeks I have often changed my mind).

Maybe it would be better to write here stenography.... (unreadable scribble)

Lame me!

My ball pen writer is broken.
Therefore I am using now another one.
Am I actually a ZERO?
Apparently.
No fighting ambition is in me.
Is god only there for As?
We will see tonight.

Bookfair

Today I did have actually good opportunities. But since A has been messing around, since he has been in "my" company, in "my group", he has caused havoc - again. A whole group went to the bookfair today. I did this the past two years also, a wonderful event, with lots of freebies from publishers. I always enjoyed this event, just by itself. And so today I also was looking forward. But in particular, because B, St and R were there. A good opportunity to finally hook up. Of course that would require me to decide what I actually want... but neither of my aspirations was fulfilled, because - A went with all three of them in the same car! I only had the choice to drive there with a few other people. Damn....

Confused

Now I do not know anymore what is going on.
The whole last week I have let myself go, until I did not know anymore in which direction I wanted to go and where I did belong to. Saturday evening was a huge waste. I almost had cried. Then I could only laugh about it. Now at the moment I do not know what is going on. I find everything quite funny, but where am I?

I just noticed that my handwriting is horrible. I should really try more to get some regularity into my handwriting, as I have succeeded so well during the meditation retreat in summer. When one tries, then one also gets much calmer.

A warning!

If someone should have dared to read this diary until here, you shall put this away immediately! Because what follows now is for no-one's eyes!

Added on 11 January 1981:
Keep reading. 
Even if that has originally not been written for others to see.
If you have read everything, you will be the only person who will understand me completely.

Creative activity warms!

When drawing, painting, or playing piano I have to take the sweater off, otherwise I am getting too warm. The creative activity apparently creates a heightened body temperature!

New confidence

Since a few hours I am once again have made a new experience. (A good beginning! I still have to decide how to continue!) So: until now I only did look at external qualities. But now I know that inner values have more meaning than the outer skin. I always knew this, but it never did appear in practise. I was always desperate, stubbornly went into one direction, cried when I was not successful, and pushed all responsibility to god. Today I let god act, and I just let myself flow through the events, without influencing them. It was successful. I was distracted from my goal, but got a new one. God, thank you!



Yes, after that nice evening hike I realized that I should not focus so much on R, but rather accept St. I did have a good time, walking through the forest in the evening with that group of other teenagers. Night set in, and it was magical. No desperation as a similar night hike had caused half a year ago. I was actually happy tonight!

The Mill of Time

Very strange.
We say that time is running fast.
But while we live, nothing exiting happens. We have breakfast, eat lunch, have dinner, every day like the previous one.
No important events, or only seemingly none?
While time is flowing, we change, get older.
We do not notice how drop by drop our life moves on.
Only when looking back one notices the turns in life.
During the normal living, everything appears to be normal and usual.
One is waiting for changes, for events, for things to happen.
But nothing happens.
So it seems!
While we look intensively into one direction, the event happens quietly behind our back, and we notice nothing.
Therefore: be open towards all sides!
Sometimes turn and look into the other direction!
Then perhaps one sees how the mill is turning, even if it is turning only very slowly.

Moving on

I have done it: I have written my first few words into this diary.
Not much there, I try to keep it cryptic. What if someone finds these writings? It would be very embarrassing. I want to keep them secret, for myself.

Yesterday evening was the end of an era. And the beginning of a new one.
My first real big love is over.
Of course, I only know the "love in vain". There was no relationship. I was just hoping, longing, from afar.
She was unreachable.
I sat next to her yesterday, physically so close. A smile to her.
But not know what to say.
She is with my best friend. Yes, my best friend is her boyfriend. I do not have a chance.
And I have given up any chances I ever had.
When sitting next to her yesterday evening, at the party, I realised how idiotic I have been.
And I took a deep breath, and got up.
Walked out, out of the room, into the garden where the others were playing.
Some silly games. Sitting in a circle, telling stories, knitting hair.
A new bunch of people, I have never met them.
They were new in our gang.
I join them, make jokes, have fun.
The past is forgotten. A new era begins.
Yes, this is fun. I enjoy these new people.
A group of girls. Four of them. I can take my pick :)
If I would only dare...
I am actually excelling, going beyond where I have been before. I am weaving somebody's hair into some weird sculpture. This is fun, enjoyable. I like the girl to whom I am doing this. Her name is R. She has a sister, Ch. There is also Bee, and St. Bee has short hair, so no body can make anything out of her hair. She is quite funny, and so is St. We are having a great time.
I am moving on. I leave those past 5 months behind me. They have been the worst in my life so far. Never before have I had such a rollercoaster of feelings. Up and down. And in the end no result.
Have I learned anything? No.
But I move on.
I really like R.

My Very First Entry in a Diary

Hope is dangerous.
Hope disappoints.
empty - - -
desolate - - -
finished? - -
finished! - -

March - April - May - June - July -
5 months lived in vain.
in vain?
No hope - -
Hope gone - -
I am still living - - -
the world moves on - -
Hope is dangerous
"... love, faith, hope ..."
hope?
hope = frustration
self deception
"baaaaah!"

BOOK I

BOOK 1

19 July 1980 - 28 July 1981

... and the hope for a new life was gambled away. (18 Oct 1981)

A new book. Nicely bound, grey paper, environmentally friendly. 200 empty pages, waiting to be filled with content.

I could have written already much, in the past few months. But I did not...

This book will contain some of my thoughts. I am not yet sure, what I shall write in it. But I want to keep the events, want to reflect on them, want to document them, so that later I have a record of what happened, and in particular of what I thought and felt about it.

I will write entries into this diary.
These entries will be written in this style, so that they can be distinguished from my other ramblings.

I really look forward to have then a written account of all of the things that will still happen to me.

Currently I only have my little notes from the calendar notebook, where I wrote since the beginning of this year the weather - every day. I had begun these actually in autumn 1977 and did continue throughout the whole year of 1978. Then for 1979 I did not have a calendar notebook anymore... so no weather for 1979. But with the beginning of this year I had started to write down the weather. And I began to note down when I was away or was sick. And in addition I also began to write down my own mood, indicated by a few small arrows, up or down (first such was on 31 March 1980). Then I did continue this and added those arrows more frequently. So up to now I do have a good collection of my mood in the past few months.

Nothing very positive... it has all been a disaster, and I hope that eventually I will come out of it.

Right now it still looks all very bleak....

Beginning of a diary

Last year I had tried to begin a diary. I wrote something in a notebook, but then I tore out the page and threw it away. Too risky, what if someone finds it and reads it?

But now I think that I should start one. Would have been good to have a diary through these past months, as many details will be forgotten... but I am scared to write things down, too embarrassed.

So for now I am just sticking a few items into the grey book made out of recycled paper: my biorythm plot since last December, for example. I have tried to see if that really is true: have indicated good days and bad days. Well, there seems to be some correlation.

I cut out a few things from the photographs which I took, and patched them on the first pages of the diary. Well, not very impressive, but is a start.

Her birthday today

Today is her birthday.
I want to give her a call, but I am too embarrassed to do it from home. My parents would hear everything, the phone is right in the centre of the apartment. So I have to get out, to call from a public phone nearby.
I make up a reason, around noon, to go to a store, have to buy a ruler. I buy the ruler, go to the phone booth. Then hesitate. I am too afraid of doing it. Go back home again.

Why so afraid? What is the worst that can happen?
It is not logical... but I do have my irrational fears. What if she laughs at me? What it that news of my little affection for her travels to my friends and colleagues? They would laugh at me....

Back home I get angry, about myself.
I try again, another pretext to get out of the house.
Again standing at the phone booth. The heart sinks down. I do not have the guts to call her.

Back home again, I cannot believe it. What a looser.

Tonight in the evening I will see her. I will congratulate her to her birthday. And I will hug her. Maybe give her a kiss?

Not sure if I will really do this... but at least I can fantasize about it.

warmer, cloudy.

cloudy.

Morning fog. sunny.

morning fog, then sunny. Blue sky.

morning frost, sunny, blue sky.

sunny, blue sky.

cooler, sunny, blue sky. a bit misty.

mild, sunny, blue sky.

cool, sunny, blue sky. Performing at Music Recital in the evening.

cold, sunny, blue sky.

overcast.

mild

cooler.

mild.

mild.

cooler.

mild.

cooler, sunny.

mild, rain.

mild. Party.

mild. School festival.

mild. river flooding.

mild, rain. river flooding.

mild, rain. river flooding.

warm

mild, then colder.

warm. rain.
Taking part in music performance competition.

rain, snow

mild. rain.

cloudy, overcast. Still sick.

cold, sunny. Am sick.

cold. Am sick.

snowfall. cold. snow stays.
am sick, with a flue.

colder.
Am getting sick, flue.

Icy.

Lots of snowfall in the night. Icy during the day.

warm.

Lots of snowfall during the night. Icy in the morning, but then warmer. +5 C.

warmer

cold.

cold. river freezes.

cold, a little warmer

cold. blue sky.

a little warmer

very cold. -10C. high fog.

Very cold: -12C. blue sky.

frosty. sunny, blue sky. 

cold.

permafrost, the whole day. snowfall.

cold, frosty.

snow. does not stay, melts away.

mild.

mild, cloudy.

mild. snow is gone.

mild. thawing. Visiting A.

cold. some sunshine.

3cm new snow. cold.

snow. cold. 
Visiting H.

New Year

cold, cloudy.
a walk.

This year I will use the little calendar which I got from H as a Christmas present, and I will note there the weather. I always wanted to keep a report on the weather, now is my chance of doing it. Unfortunately I do not have a thermometer, so I will only be able to write general observations.