"Twelve Days" as a novel

I did it - I wrote a book. The events of the "Twelve Days - A Winter Holiday" are now available here:

As a printed book:
http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/twelve-days---a-winter-holiday/18569829 

or as an eBook:
http://www.lulu.com/content/e-book/twelve-days---a-winter-holiday/18285232

For freeloaders there is a free PDF here (only for a limited time):
https://app.box.com/s/j70uh23lhmtuah1awu2pfwuveow4fubl 

Looking back

I just noticed... the days in this year 2014 match the days of the year 1980, from 1 March onwards. The year 1980 had been out of my thoughts for a long time, but recent events brought it back into my mind, and then I realised this coincidence. Every day of the week this year corresponds to every day of the week back on 1980, same date, same weekday. The year 1980 had a significant meaning for me. It is a very special year in my personal history. I think I will in the next weeks complete some of the entries here, to properly reflect what had happened back then.

Day 5.

The last day of 1980 I begin in good spirits. Constantly thinking about yesterday evening. For breakfast B again sits at the table near A, but I am not bothered. I believe to know that everything will be fine between us.

I am going skiing. For the first time since quite a while. Alpine skiing is very different from cross country skiing. I do enjoy going downhill with a good speed.

For a while I try to teach St and R about skiing. St enjoys it, R does not. Anyway, St appears to be interested in me. I have noticed this yesterday evening too. Well, she is not exactly my type. Is pretty, but I am in love with B. They are best friends, B and St, always together. As do most girls: they always appear in pairs.

Meanwhile A is also on the ski slopes, with his "love interest" M. But B is also with them. I do actually notice how both M and A seem to object. B seems like a third wheel at a bicycle. She can ski fast, but keeps it slow, so just to be near these two. I am not waiting, but ski downhill. B could ski with me too, we approximately seem to drive at the same level. But she stays near A. And I am again confused and angry. Did I misunderstand something yesterday evening? I feel mocked and disappointed.

Today in the evening we will all celebrate the end of the year. But I am not in the mood. I hate this superficial celebration. I want to celebrate the New Year alone. Maybe I go to the cemetery which is around the corner. I want to have my peace, want to celebrate with the dead rather than with the living. Because a part in my seems to be already dead, or dying. Maybe there are ghosts on the cemetery? I would like to talk to them! Maybe some of them could help me...?

During dinner I constantly look at B, am trying to catch her looking at me. But she evades.

Evening worship service. During the peace greeting I again am considering hugging B, but I only can manage a firm handshake. I look into her eyes, and she in mine. "peace be with you, especially with you".

Again confused. Is there hope? Or is she just playing with me?

Games in the communal room. I cannot escape as everybody would notice my absence. I do notice that others seem also to have some love troubles. One of the guys seems to run after another girl, and another girl has tearful eyes. So I am not alone with my misery. Love is terrible!

We have an alcoholic punch drink, some kind of mulled wine. I drink, to drown my sorrows.

The group is playing games. I hate those games. There is always one who is made fun of.

The year is closing. I had big hopes. And I still have.... but this story now will continue in 1981. See you there!

(and here it continues into the new year 1981:
http://myyear1981.blogspot.co.uk/1981/01/the-beginning-of-new-year.html )

Day 4.

In the morning I wake up very early today. Am anxious to go to the sports store, to get skis.

With one of the friends from our group I go from shop to shop, to ask if the have skis for rent. Nothing. All rented out. No skis.

My hope is gone. The group is going today into a larger skiing resort a bit further away, I would have loved to join them there. But it shall not be. I stay back, when then all drive away. I decide to walk aimlessly through the sunny valley. I walk along a frozen river, cross a bridge, walk along snow-covered trees, through a forest. Tears are running down my cheek. At one point my bag falls down on hard floor. A bottle inside breaks, and when I move my hand into the bag to get the shards, and then I cut myself. Blood is running down my finger, I wrap a tissue around the finger. This all fits perfectly, to be hunted by fate. Everything is against me.

The whole day I stop by at the various sports stores, to check if some skis are now here. Nothing.

I was wondering what everybody would say if I committed suicide. They would probably ask "what have I done wrong?" Now nobody asks this.

But when thinking more clearly, I realise that nobody is actually at fault. A has been actually great, he has not made any attempt towards B, so he is ok. It is B who appears to move towards him... how can I convince her that I am the one she should be looking at?

Back at the lodge I want to read, but cannot concentrate. I go again out, walk.

It is already getting dark, evening. I go into town, again into one of the sports stores - and they have skis! Not ideal, a bit too short for me, but I do not mind. I have skis now! On the way back I see a van with some from our group returning from skiing - and I join them. I am so glad. Now I can also join them skiing, tomorrow. No more waiting back in the house.

During dinner I see that B and A are sitting together at the table, are laughing. I try to remain calm.

Then after dinner I decide to play my card: "B, we should now do some math tutoring". She cannot escape. Both B and St will have to do one hour of mathematics now. I have promised their mothers that I will give them some tutoring in this subject, because their marks have fallen drastically. They are actually enthusiastically looking forward to this tutoring session.

I am sitting in the middle, St is at my right, B is at my left. I explain, quadratic equations. Then I feel that B is leaning against me. St looks jealously, I enjoy it, cannot believe it. B's hand is there, I slowly begin stroking it. This is something I have never ever done before. Walls are breaking down. I feel dizzy. I keep stroking her hand. St says "B, you are mean!" I do not understand. But it does not matter, I simply enjoy the situation. My math explanations stop. If St would not be here, I would hug B. But St wants to have exact explanations of math. So I try to concentrate again, keep explaining. Then I feel again B's arm close to mine, and I gently touch it and stroke it. B looks at me, directly into my eyes.

I feel that we are together, that everything will be good.

After math tutoring we go outside into the cold night. We decide again to have some fun with phone calls. We throw snow at each other.

A wonderful evening. After that bad beginning, after that desperation that I was suffering the whole day, now this wonderful ending. Now everything looks possible. I have overcome my walls, I have exceeded anything I had done up to now in my life. I am so looking forward to the next days!

Day 3.

The new day begins with new hope. I cannot be beaten, I will do my part to win this time.

But B is again away, skiing. I am slowly thinking that it was a mistake to only take cross-country skis. I am going again, this time with another group. It is fun, we go on some tracks in the valley, but then also up on that hill where the Alpine skiers are.

I am tired, my muscles ache, I am not used to so much activity. But I go again out in the afternoon for a walk. B is still skiing, I wish I could join her. And I decide that I will get Alpine skis. I will rent them in one of the sport stores.

But not today anymore. The others in the communal room are singing, playing guitar, playing games. I hate to join them, I feel like crying. But I still have one joker to play: I have promised to do tutoring of B and St in mathematics. That was the whole reason why they could join us in this winter holiday. I will eventually use this joker.

When B comes back from skiing, she is tired. No cross-country run this night.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, when I will get Alpine skis. Then I will be able to join B.

Day 2.

It is evening now, night, and I am disappointed. Already.
In the morning it had begin so positively. B was going skiing. Since I did not have any alpine skis with me, I was bound to remain in the valley. I was going cross-country skiing - with A and his entourage. I did actually enjoy it. I have always been close to A. Maybe that is the reason why we always fell for the same girl.

Wonderful sunshine. I constantly think of B. Am looking forward to do again cross-country skiing in the evening. The day goes by so slowly.

Then she is back. Tired, but happy from her skiing. I press her hand firmly when saying hello. She must have noticed. Maybe I also should have hugged her.

We are going cross-country in the evening. But A also wants to join. B appears to be happy about it, and I am uneasy. I keep close to B, but then A is also here, closely catching up. A starry night, clear, cold.

B, St and I decide to have some fun and make some prank calls from a public phone. Just for a small amount call someone arbitrary in a foreign country. B asks A if he wants to join us. I am getting angry. She keeps trying to be close to him, I notice this. It is not at all A's fault, he is actually quite passive, as he has another interest: M. He is always with M who watches B's attempts with apparent jealousy. But B seems not to be disturbed by this...

I am trying to read a book in the communal room, but I cannot concentrate. A group of guys is drinking cherry wine. I join them. I realise that I do like the taste of alcohol. It has something soothing, numbing the pain.

The big hope that I had is already gone. Only after two days. What will the following 10 days bring?

Day 1.

Today in the morning the group met, we were picked up by several vehicles, then heading towards the mountains. A short good-bye to the parents, then they remain back. And my adventure begins.

I am sitting in the bus just behind B and St. I am glad that A is not in the same vehicle.
We are joking a lot. Then the mountains appear. Some snow lies on the ground. I am so happy.

We arrive in the early afternoon, move into our rooms. I am with 7 others in the room upstairs, just under the roof.

Then walking outside, in the snow, with Stephen. The others arrive with other vehicles.

We are playing some dice games in the community room. It is dark outside. Then we decide to go cross country skiing.
This is my very first time on these cross country skis. They are much thinner than Alpine downhill skis, which I am used to.

We run across the plane. B and I were racing ahead, laughing at each other. I am so happy. We stop at an ice cream parlour, each gets an ice cream cone. Even though it is winter, dark, cold. But we feel warm.

I am so happy. This was a wonderful day. Things will be good, I know it.

The evening before

Tomorrow it will begin.
I have done whatever I could.
And it looks good. I am happy. Finally.
I am optimistic. I am in love with BW.
She is so funny, so energetic.

And she likes me. She was so happy that I finally got it sorted to go onto this winter holiday with our group.
Everybody will be there. R., and her sister Ch., BW and her friend St. And A. will be there too.

This worries me. A. has been a determining force in the past year. He has interfered with my dreams, has made sure that they end up in smoke. I have suffered a lot, from the beginning of March until the end of July. Then a new era started. First my affection to R. Then all that back and forth in the autumn months of this past year. But now things seem clear. My goal is to be with BW.

I never had a girlfriend yet. I only had dreams. I am used to dream about girls, about being with them. For many years I was in love with BU. Then, after changing school, I kept dreaming. I was a hero in my dreams, constantly saving my princess. Then I fell in love with UR. Again only dreaming. Then time moved on, and real opportunities arose. But I was weak, shy. Not able to leave my shell that had built up around me.

I fell in love with CP, then A took her. I fell in love with HL then A took her. And most recently, I fell in love with SA, then A took her. I hate A. He has interfered with any relation I had hopes for.

And now he will be there too, at this winter holiday. I am a bit scared of this prospect, and he did already begin his work. I was so angry when he joined the group which I had established. When he talked to R whom I had a crush on, a few months ago. And now he is around when B and St are there. I am worried. But I have to face this challenge. I will not again succumb, I will fight this time. I will do what I have to do.

I am looking forward to these coming 12 days. These 12 days will change everything. I will not be the same afterwards, this is what I already know. Because I will go beyond my limitations.

TWELVE DAYS

27 December 1980 - 7 January 1981

... 12 days which rocked my life. Nothing after that was as it was before. Scarred forever.

On my way

So.
Am now making paper stars.
Since a few days I have found my way.
(for how long?)
I am expecting nothing.
I hope for nothing.
I just want to relax.
It shall be funny.
I want to be happy.
Nothing else.
I am so very much looking forward.

Joy

God, I thank you
(I did say the same 3 months ago)
Everything goes by itself.
I will get cross country skis.
Everybody liked the cake.
The card is great, funny, exquisite!
A pity that there is such a long time until Monday morning break.
(pity that it is so short until Monday, I have so much to learn for school!

I am looking forward to everything coming!

I will go!

It is...
I am allowed to go.
I will go.
I...
... ...
a bit afraid.
really quite so.
but no reason.
I will go

Heueueueueueueueueu!

I want to go!

I want to go to that winter retreat!
Yes!
The others also all want it.
All?
Well, a part of them.
And especially me.
Now it gets serious.
I know.
In one issue I have lost completely and have calculated wrongly.
But I want to go.

Again a list:

Contra:
- bicycle illumination
- group photo album
- my own photo albums
- my own music compositions (hahaha!)
- learning for exams
- resting, recuperation
- motor calculations

Pro:
- I want to go!
- the others want this too that I go!
- it certainly will be funny!
- I would have a better time than at home

Now I have to tell you something, you softie: first you are convinced that you need to go, then you are already dreaming about how you will tell it to the others, and now you are sitting here and are squeezing out your soul into that writing....
I have to say...
the most important thing is to convince the parents. That is the most difficult thing.
Why being so afraid? A bit more courage, please!

Anger, hope and frustration

ha, haaah, haaaah...
what is there to say?
sh... ? no, not.
Let me better vent my anger towards a certain subject: you bastard!
What did you tell? I would be softened by them? Your strong hand would be missing?
(I do not mean you, god, also not you, Jesus, no! I have already accepted your influences. But this bastard!)

But something different:
As it goes, this up and down, so today was, well what?
An up? or a down?

Once again it was funny.
I was outgoing. My 2nd nature!
"great"
well, ok
But!
Where was she? yes, I mean you, R!
...
was I again on the wrong course?
Well, god, now I have to tell you something: if you continue like this (letting me just do and not helping me), then I will be so without spine that I will not believe myself. I am actually already now like this. My own wishful thinking is pushed back. It is worthless, groundless. I just need to have a wish, and sure it will not be fulfilled.
If you continue like this, I will become a frustrated object without any will.
But I know what will happen then: I will grab onto my pride.
Like today during the break: it is bitter to give up something out of pride, but it is a strengthening feeling.

Should I go onto that winter holiday?
Of course I want to go! Especially because there are humans who like that I join them there.
yes, I know. Lots of homework. Ooooh!

Happy - and afraid

What was going on today?
Well, guess!
According to probability theory today must have been something positive.
Guessed correctly!
Got good grades in some school exams.
Then in the break...
... strange.
When I appeared... I dare not to say it, to write it:
they were happy...
"oh, here he is...!"

I am afraid of tomorrow.
Of a destruction of that little illusion.
The whole life obviously consists of fluctuations.
Back and forth, up and down.
I am afraid.

Depressed

It is a pity, it is lamentable that I cannot write down all feelings hourly.
Because in between the single short texts, which I write here, there are huge gaps.
For example between the previous text and this here. I could have written something in the evening, then in the night, then Sunday night, the today morning, in the break, and just now.
But now I do not know where to start.
Fact is that the previous entry from 6.Dec is completely put into question. Today in the morning was "storm and urge". I would have liked to go into each classroom and take out the crucifixes and break each single one.

Maybe electric power is not so good.
A good rope would perhaps be better.
Never again in my whole life I will be in winter vacation with them!
Now, this winter, would be the last opportunity.
Gone! Missed it!
Then there is only the Easter hike, and the Pentecost journey.
I have to tell the parents that during the Pentecost holiday I want to go with the group, not with the parents.
Time is pressing too much.
But probably after this winter vacation I will have to write off everything anyway.
Gone.
Like so often.
I am used to new beginnings.
But I hate it.
I want a place where I can rest.
Finally be happy for once!
I will never succeed!

Knowing what I want

Once again I know what I actually want.
Or? Maybe I am not really so sure?
It speaks for it that this wish has appeared again and again.
Repeatedly interrupted, but with a certain continuity.
Still 2 weeks!
Little time!
I am feeling sick.
The snow has almost completely melted.

Another bad day

It will not be long that I will be sick and tired of all that shit.
The I-do-not-know-how-often-th time I am angry, after I was fine the whole day.
Soon I will give up, will retreat in happy loneliness.
Where I stand at the moment is completely unclear.
Somewhere in-between.
I do not know what I actually want.

I have no idea how it will continue.
There are still 2 weeks of school, filled with cruel stress (I do not know what to do when), then will be Christmas holiday and the winter vacation.

Inner dispute

I might be allowed to go with them to the winter holiday. Today I apparently looked very bad and also felt that way, I am having a terrible cold the whole week. And my mother seemed to suspect that I had problems.

Now I am split:

Pro:
- they will be there
- I must not sequester myself
- I want to rest and would come back recovered

Contra:
- the others are also there (A, H)
- a certain loss of credibility (?)
- too expensive (need ski equipment)
- parents, christmas, presents, celebration
- homework during the holidays

If I would go to that winter vacation, it could happen that I sequester, that I am isolated.

If I stay, I AM isolated.
I would cry every night, I know that already now.
Well then, mercy, Lord!
BTW, where have you been recently?
Do you exist?
What is that game that you are playing with me?

A terrible day

I am soon exploding!
Today everything went wrong.
I have a terrible anger in my stomach.
But just one hour ago nothing seemed to matter!
I was quiet and balanced.
Even though I had behaved today typically idiotically.
So half in trance, only with a few contributions to conversations... well;
then my photographs had not yet been ready, the pictures which I was so looking forward to!
Now I again cannot show them tomorrow!

But the highlight was when my parents were here, even though they had planned to go shopping. I was so looking forward to play my piano improvisations, especially because I did feel that today was my mots musical day since a long time. The whole day I melodies went in my head, from Gregorian Choral to Rock'n Roll, from melodic to extatic.

Well, such a shit day!

Crazy

Now again everything is completely different!
I am getting crazy!
Everything goes its way.
Somewhere it also ends.
Everything moves towards a goal.
But I am not recognising this goal.
Sometimes I believe that I recognise it, but these are only "Fata Morganas".
I cannot say anything definitive anymore.
Since a long time.
I only know that actually I find all humans nice.
One cannot hate a human when you know him/her - or understand him/her.
But one of them I do not understand.

Happy

I think I have gotten a new self awareness. I am feeling strong and happy. I am looking forward, even if there perhaps the foundation to new conflicts has been laid.

Funny times!

Ha! That was funny today!
This time I am writing these words without any evil ironic undertone!
It was really funny!
In the 6th hour.
From now on I am engaged as physics tutor for them.
Wednesday, 6th hour.
That will be funny!

Mindless

What I find idiotic is that when talking to other people I stop thinking. Very often in recent times it happened to me that some things that I should have asked or should have said only come into my mind later.
Terrible!

Irony of fate

So, yesterday evening is now also gone.
What am I going to do now?
I feel how I really have gotten a tough nucleus inside me. I do not even value past events anymore, but only value future events.
When I think about it, it is all my fault. I have gotten there by my inattentiveness, my wrong pride, which after a long period of rest comes up again.
The 22 nov is over. It was the key date. From now on everything is pre-programmed. Yesterday - irony of fate - I was in church, which half a year ago did hear my laments, my desires. And yesterday I did sit next to S, Ch, and R.
What a cruel irony!
Half a year too late!
And I am in exactly the same situation like 8 months ago, in March.
So, from now on I will work hard in school. Everything else does not matter.
And should I dry out, then it is the fault of the others!

Reflection

Just now I have read all my diary entries up to now. Very interesting! But I have not much time to dwell on this, because - I am now going to R's birthday party! Oh divine chaos!

Growing up

Yesterday... I am completely finished.
Everything went wrong. But apparently I have gotten a touch nucleus in me.
Everything just bounces off me. I was not even shaken.
No wonder, if you read the diary up to here.

But now for something completely different: my beard is growing since a few weeks! The eye brows are suddenly so thick and bushy.
Sometimes I do not recognize myself in the mirror.
But internally I feel not progressing at all. There is still that childish romanticism, that day dreaming etc. I cannot imagine that I shall shave soon.

Something I noticed: when I close an entry like this, I often write some encouraging words at the end, even though I was not keen on encouragement and superficiality. Also a few hours later that closing seems strange to me.
One can conclude from this that while writing I calm myself down so that I pluck up some courage. But this only lasts for a short time.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day which I have to live, which I am not allowed to skip, even though I would like that.

Well, take care.

Lonely and excluded

I have become lonely.
Today that became very clear to me.
A few days or weeks ago it did not matter to me.
I just ignored this A-group, because I did have another goal.
But now also this has been smashed, of course under great help of A, and I am standing in front of the wreck of my future.
In two days we will travel for a day trip into the big city.
I see no hope.
But despite everything being broken, I will try to use every possible chance.
I cannot be so easily be put down!

Well, for crying out loud!
After the break today I almost did.
Now after the orchestra session I have a bit calmed down. Also the bicycle ride before did help.

But I am excluded.
Excluded from the activities "they" are doing on Saturday evening.
All my fault.
And now also betrayed by my own desires.

Eloi, eloi, lama sabatachni

Being open-minded

Nowadays I am starting everyday with big expectations. That is strange, because I know exactly that nothing new can happen. My chances are gone.

Despite this.
The day before yesterday, yesterday, and today I am looking forward to everything that will happen. "looking forward" maybe a bot strong, but I am curious.
I still do not give up anything. I do not get attached to anything, but am just living in the expectation that something will come.
A little bit of deliberation, otherwise just chance.
Sometimes I do succeed with a few "tricks" (is not really the right word), for example on Friday, or yesterday when I said "ask if also my piano lesson is cancelled".
It is clear that with my natural way I cannot progress.
I have to help artificially and with deliberation. I am disgusted by this.
Is a consequence of A's influence.
One or 1 1/2 years ago I was natural, optimistic, full of hope and expectations. The year 1980 has destroyed everything.
I am still standing, but without own initiative.
Yesterday I did repair a bicycle lamp. Maybe I should be more open in that direction. Sure!
This is my own, last chance. Otherwise I would have to start from the very beginning. And that is not healthy.
But for this chance I am lacking the motivation. The same as the two other "chances".
Well, does not matter. Waiting, open-minded (like already 2 months ago, so that again such a chaos can begin) for a chance.

Zig-zag

Finished? I am thinking so...
No hope more for the trip in 2 weeks.
Being afraid of the winter holiday.
Finished?
Damned asshole! (not you, the reader, but the other)
Helplessness.
In-vain illusions.
Like always.
zig-zag, zig-zag, zig-zag, ...
No real finish.
No marking stones.
Only zig-zag, zig-zag
Half a year ago - boom - - end.
Now:
zig-zag, zig-zag, zig-zag.

First time mentioning the word "love"

Oh no! It cannot go on like this!
This zig-zag line this week!
Up and down! And of course again A!

Tuesday and Thursday everything was finished for me.
Monday and Wednesday were lucky days.
And today's Friday?
Already yesterday evening I had begun to calm myself down. Nothing yet was lost! On the contrary: things were as good as never before!
Despite this I hate him.

Today was nothing special. So, and now I put here down in writing what I have thought about yesterday evening:
I have set myself a goal.
I will try to reach this goal, despite all resistance.
For a love there are two needed.
One alone cannot love!
To be in love means to want to learn to love the other.
That is terribly difficult!
I know this throughout the whole year 1980.
When I try hard and do not stagnate in expectations, then it must succeed!
I am against the term "falling in love". Has somewhat a connotation of being lost.

So, that's it.
You have still everything ahead of you!
Good luck!

New confidence

Funny, too funny!
What has really happened in recent days? The whole last week: monotonously increasing resignation. A, the incarnation of evil!
At the weekend: strengthening, reinforcement, but in negative direction!
Evil is trump!
Courage, spontaneity! I get up again and encourage myself into hatred and evil-ness.

Then, Monday, first unbelievable success.
Tuesday, unbelievable success.
Wednesday, unbelievable success.
Only now I realise what has happened. Only now I become conscious of my success. A pity that we have now a few days off. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday will pass by in vain.
But Monday! Or? Wait.
Courage, spontaneity, rational thinking!

So far everything has gone wrong when I let myself be guided by feelings. But once I did switch them off, success comes. What a terrible lesson have I to learn from this?

I am disgusted by the word "success". I do not want success, but happiness. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I did not demand anything from god, and did not thank for anything. Maybe it is best to rely only on yourself, and not push responsibility to god.

So now I am responsible myself. Well, good luck!

Autumn

Autumn is the most beautiful of the seasons. Everything slowly dies, it is getting cooler, morning fog, sometimes blue sky, wonderful bizarre clouds, storms blow the fallen leafs up, the trees are covered in there most beautiful colors before they die.

The most beautiful time of the day is the evening. This half-state in between day and night, the twilight. It is quiet, and not loud and noisy like the morning.

Well, who cares.

No own initiative

Quite a long time has passed since my last entry. In the meantime my cold got terrible, so probably on Saturday I will not go to our TP evening. It does not matter to me now. Last Saturday I would have not been so indifferent. After that Thursday and Friday it would have been a catastrophy if I had not got gone on Saturday!
But I had been wrong. The evening hike was a big disaster. Once again I only could laugh about myself. I mostly walked alone. Then, on Monday, full of new hope - fiasco. Tuesday: fiasco. Wednesday - guess what? Damned!

I should not complain so much. Because when I look in different directions, then something did quite improve. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - days of reconciliation!

But still. No I had once tried to do my own thing, to have a wish myself (after a long time) and to try to fulfil it - and what? Again higher powers. I am a playball of god. Well, wait.

I have no drive or courage to get up again. The own initiative is gone! I let myself drift. (Wait how long that lasts! In recent weeks I have often changed my mind).

Maybe it would be better to write here stenography.... (unreadable scribble)

Lame me!

My ball pen writer is broken.
Therefore I am using now another one.
Am I actually a ZERO?
Apparently.
No fighting ambition is in me.
Is god only there for As?
We will see tonight.

Bookfair

Today I did have actually good opportunities. But since A has been messing around, since he has been in "my" company, in "my group", he has caused havoc - again. A whole group went to the bookfair today. I did this the past two years also, a wonderful event, with lots of freebies from publishers. I always enjoyed this event, just by itself. And so today I also was looking forward. But in particular, because B, St and R were there. A good opportunity to finally hook up. Of course that would require me to decide what I actually want... but neither of my aspirations was fulfilled, because - A went with all three of them in the same car! I only had the choice to drive there with a few other people. Damn....

Confused

Now I do not know anymore what is going on.
The whole last week I have let myself go, until I did not know anymore in which direction I wanted to go and where I did belong to. Saturday evening was a huge waste. I almost had cried. Then I could only laugh about it. Now at the moment I do not know what is going on. I find everything quite funny, but where am I?

I just noticed that my handwriting is horrible. I should really try more to get some regularity into my handwriting, as I have succeeded so well during the meditation retreat in summer. When one tries, then one also gets much calmer.

A warning!

If someone should have dared to read this diary until here, you shall put this away immediately! Because what follows now is for no-one's eyes!

Added on 11 January 1981:
Keep reading. 
Even if that has originally not been written for others to see.
If you have read everything, you will be the only person who will understand me completely.

Creative activity warms!

When drawing, painting, or playing piano I have to take the sweater off, otherwise I am getting too warm. The creative activity apparently creates a heightened body temperature!

New confidence

Since a few hours I am once again have made a new experience. (A good beginning! I still have to decide how to continue!) So: until now I only did look at external qualities. But now I know that inner values have more meaning than the outer skin. I always knew this, but it never did appear in practise. I was always desperate, stubbornly went into one direction, cried when I was not successful, and pushed all responsibility to god. Today I let god act, and I just let myself flow through the events, without influencing them. It was successful. I was distracted from my goal, but got a new one. God, thank you!



Yes, after that nice evening hike I realized that I should not focus so much on R, but rather accept St. I did have a good time, walking through the forest in the evening with that group of other teenagers. Night set in, and it was magical. No desperation as a similar night hike had caused half a year ago. I was actually happy tonight!

The Mill of Time

Very strange.
We say that time is running fast.
But while we live, nothing exiting happens. We have breakfast, eat lunch, have dinner, every day like the previous one.
No important events, or only seemingly none?
While time is flowing, we change, get older.
We do not notice how drop by drop our life moves on.
Only when looking back one notices the turns in life.
During the normal living, everything appears to be normal and usual.
One is waiting for changes, for events, for things to happen.
But nothing happens.
So it seems!
While we look intensively into one direction, the event happens quietly behind our back, and we notice nothing.
Therefore: be open towards all sides!
Sometimes turn and look into the other direction!
Then perhaps one sees how the mill is turning, even if it is turning only very slowly.

Moving on

I have done it: I have written my first few words into this diary.
Not much there, I try to keep it cryptic. What if someone finds these writings? It would be very embarrassing. I want to keep them secret, for myself.

Yesterday evening was the end of an era. And the beginning of a new one.
My first real big love is over.
Of course, I only know the "love in vain". There was no relationship. I was just hoping, longing, from afar.
She was unreachable.
I sat next to her yesterday, physically so close. A smile to her.
But not know what to say.
She is with my best friend. Yes, my best friend is her boyfriend. I do not have a chance.
And I have given up any chances I ever had.
When sitting next to her yesterday evening, at the party, I realised how idiotic I have been.
And I took a deep breath, and got up.
Walked out, out of the room, into the garden where the others were playing.
Some silly games. Sitting in a circle, telling stories, knitting hair.
A new bunch of people, I have never met them.
They were new in our gang.
I join them, make jokes, have fun.
The past is forgotten. A new era begins.
Yes, this is fun. I enjoy these new people.
A group of girls. Four of them. I can take my pick :)
If I would only dare...
I am actually excelling, going beyond where I have been before. I am weaving somebody's hair into some weird sculpture. This is fun, enjoyable. I like the girl to whom I am doing this. Her name is R. She has a sister, Ch. There is also Bee, and St. Bee has short hair, so no body can make anything out of her hair. She is quite funny, and so is St. We are having a great time.
I am moving on. I leave those past 5 months behind me. They have been the worst in my life so far. Never before have I had such a rollercoaster of feelings. Up and down. And in the end no result.
Have I learned anything? No.
But I move on.
I really like R.

My Very First Entry in a Diary

Hope is dangerous.
Hope disappoints.
empty - - -
desolate - - -
finished? - -
finished! - -

March - April - May - June - July -
5 months lived in vain.
in vain?
No hope - -
Hope gone - -
I am still living - - -
the world moves on - -
Hope is dangerous
"... love, faith, hope ..."
hope?
hope = frustration
self deception
"baaaaah!"

BOOK I

BOOK 1

19 July 1980 - 28 July 1981

... and the hope for a new life was gambled away. (18 Oct 1981)

A new book. Nicely bound, grey paper, environmentally friendly. 200 empty pages, waiting to be filled with content.

I could have written already much, in the past few months. But I did not...

This book will contain some of my thoughts. I am not yet sure, what I shall write in it. But I want to keep the events, want to reflect on them, want to document them, so that later I have a record of what happened, and in particular of what I thought and felt about it.

I will write entries into this diary.
These entries will be written in this style, so that they can be distinguished from my other ramblings.

I really look forward to have then a written account of all of the things that will still happen to me.

Currently I only have my little notes from the calendar notebook, where I wrote since the beginning of this year the weather - every day. I had begun these actually in autumn 1977 and did continue throughout the whole year of 1978. Then for 1979 I did not have a calendar notebook anymore... so no weather for 1979. But with the beginning of this year I had started to write down the weather. And I began to note down when I was away or was sick. And in addition I also began to write down my own mood, indicated by a few small arrows, up or down (first such was on 31 March 1980). Then I did continue this and added those arrows more frequently. So up to now I do have a good collection of my mood in the past few months.

Nothing very positive... it has all been a disaster, and I hope that eventually I will come out of it.

Right now it still looks all very bleak....

Beginning of a diary

Last year I had tried to begin a diary. I wrote something in a notebook, but then I tore out the page and threw it away. Too risky, what if someone finds it and reads it?

But now I think that I should start one. Would have been good to have a diary through these past months, as many details will be forgotten... but I am scared to write things down, too embarrassed.

So for now I am just sticking a few items into the grey book made out of recycled paper: my biorythm plot since last December, for example. I have tried to see if that really is true: have indicated good days and bad days. Well, there seems to be some correlation.

I cut out a few things from the photographs which I took, and patched them on the first pages of the diary. Well, not very impressive, but is a start.

Her birthday today

Today is her birthday.
I want to give her a call, but I am too embarrassed to do it from home. My parents would hear everything, the phone is right in the centre of the apartment. So I have to get out, to call from a public phone nearby.
I make up a reason, around noon, to go to a store, have to buy a ruler. I buy the ruler, go to the phone booth. Then hesitate. I am too afraid of doing it. Go back home again.

Why so afraid? What is the worst that can happen?
It is not logical... but I do have my irrational fears. What if she laughs at me? What it that news of my little affection for her travels to my friends and colleagues? They would laugh at me....

Back home I get angry, about myself.
I try again, another pretext to get out of the house.
Again standing at the phone booth. The heart sinks down. I do not have the guts to call her.

Back home again, I cannot believe it. What a looser.

Tonight in the evening I will see her. I will congratulate her to her birthday. And I will hug her. Maybe give her a kiss?

Not sure if I will really do this... but at least I can fantasize about it.

warmer, cloudy.

cloudy.

Morning fog. sunny.

morning fog, then sunny. Blue sky.

morning frost, sunny, blue sky.

sunny, blue sky.

cooler, sunny, blue sky. a bit misty.

mild, sunny, blue sky.

cool, sunny, blue sky. Performing at Music Recital in the evening.

cold, sunny, blue sky.

overcast.

mild

cooler.

mild.

mild.

cooler.

mild.

cooler, sunny.

mild, rain.

mild. Party.

mild. School festival.

mild. river flooding.

mild, rain. river flooding.

mild, rain. river flooding.

warm

mild, then colder.

warm. rain.
Taking part in music performance competition.

rain, snow

mild. rain.

cloudy, overcast. Still sick.

cold, sunny. Am sick.

cold. Am sick.

snowfall. cold. snow stays.
am sick, with a flue.

colder.
Am getting sick, flue.

Icy.

Lots of snowfall in the night. Icy during the day.

warm.

Lots of snowfall during the night. Icy in the morning, but then warmer. +5 C.

warmer

cold.

cold. river freezes.

cold, a little warmer

cold. blue sky.

a little warmer

very cold. -10C. high fog.

Very cold: -12C. blue sky.

frosty. sunny, blue sky. 

cold.

permafrost, the whole day. snowfall.

cold, frosty.

snow. does not stay, melts away.

mild.

mild, cloudy.

mild. snow is gone.

mild. thawing. Visiting A.

cold. some sunshine.

3cm new snow. cold.

snow. cold. 
Visiting H.

New Year

cold, cloudy.
a walk.

This year I will use the little calendar which I got from H as a Christmas present, and I will note there the weather. I always wanted to keep a report on the weather, now is my chance of doing it. Unfortunately I do not have a thermometer, so I will only be able to write general observations.