Moving on

I have done it: I have written my first few words into this diary.
Not much there, I try to keep it cryptic. What if someone finds these writings? It would be very embarrassing. I want to keep them secret, for myself.

Yesterday evening was the end of an era. And the beginning of a new one.
My first real big love is over.
Of course, I only know the "love in vain". There was no relationship. I was just hoping, longing, from afar.
She was unreachable.
I sat next to her yesterday, physically so close. A smile to her.
But not know what to say.
She is with my best friend. Yes, my best friend is her boyfriend. I do not have a chance.
And I have given up any chances I ever had.
When sitting next to her yesterday evening, at the party, I realised how idiotic I have been.
And I took a deep breath, and got up.
Walked out, out of the room, into the garden where the others were playing.
Some silly games. Sitting in a circle, telling stories, knitting hair.
A new bunch of people, I have never met them.
They were new in our gang.
I join them, make jokes, have fun.
The past is forgotten. A new era begins.
Yes, this is fun. I enjoy these new people.
A group of girls. Four of them. I can take my pick :)
If I would only dare...
I am actually excelling, going beyond where I have been before. I am weaving somebody's hair into some weird sculpture. This is fun, enjoyable. I like the girl to whom I am doing this. Her name is R. She has a sister, Ch. There is also Bee, and St. Bee has short hair, so no body can make anything out of her hair. She is quite funny, and so is St. We are having a great time.
I am moving on. I leave those past 5 months behind me. They have been the worst in my life so far. Never before have I had such a rollercoaster of feelings. Up and down. And in the end no result.
Have I learned anything? No.
But I move on.
I really like R.

My Very First Entry in a Diary

Hope is dangerous.
Hope disappoints.
empty - - -
desolate - - -
finished? - -
finished! - -

March - April - May - June - July -
5 months lived in vain.
in vain?
No hope - -
Hope gone - -
I am still living - - -
the world moves on - -
Hope is dangerous
"... love, faith, hope ..."
hope?
hope = frustration
self deception
"baaaaah!"

BOOK I

BOOK 1

19 July 1980 - 28 July 1981

... and the hope for a new life was gambled away. (18 Oct 1981)

A new book. Nicely bound, grey paper, environmentally friendly. 200 empty pages, waiting to be filled with content.

I could have written already much, in the past few months. But I did not...

This book will contain some of my thoughts. I am not yet sure, what I shall write in it. But I want to keep the events, want to reflect on them, want to document them, so that later I have a record of what happened, and in particular of what I thought and felt about it.

I will write entries into this diary.
These entries will be written in this style, so that they can be distinguished from my other ramblings.

I really look forward to have then a written account of all of the things that will still happen to me.

Currently I only have my little notes from the calendar notebook, where I wrote since the beginning of this year the weather - every day. I had begun these actually in autumn 1977 and did continue throughout the whole year of 1978. Then for 1979 I did not have a calendar notebook anymore... so no weather for 1979. But with the beginning of this year I had started to write down the weather. And I began to note down when I was away or was sick. And in addition I also began to write down my own mood, indicated by a few small arrows, up or down (first such was on 31 March 1980). Then I did continue this and added those arrows more frequently. So up to now I do have a good collection of my mood in the past few months.

Nothing very positive... it has all been a disaster, and I hope that eventually I will come out of it.

Right now it still looks all very bleak....

Beginning of a diary

Last year I had tried to begin a diary. I wrote something in a notebook, but then I tore out the page and threw it away. Too risky, what if someone finds it and reads it?

But now I think that I should start one. Would have been good to have a diary through these past months, as many details will be forgotten... but I am scared to write things down, too embarrassed.

So for now I am just sticking a few items into the grey book made out of recycled paper: my biorythm plot since last December, for example. I have tried to see if that really is true: have indicated good days and bad days. Well, there seems to be some correlation.

I cut out a few things from the photographs which I took, and patched them on the first pages of the diary. Well, not very impressive, but is a start.