Day 5.

The last day of 1980 I begin in good spirits. Constantly thinking about yesterday evening. For breakfast B again sits at the table near A, but I am not bothered. I believe to know that everything will be fine between us.

I am going skiing. For the first time since quite a while. Alpine skiing is very different from cross country skiing. I do enjoy going downhill with a good speed.

For a while I try to teach St and R about skiing. St enjoys it, R does not. Anyway, St appears to be interested in me. I have noticed this yesterday evening too. Well, she is not exactly my type. Is pretty, but I am in love with B. They are best friends, B and St, always together. As do most girls: they always appear in pairs.

Meanwhile A is also on the ski slopes, with his "love interest" M. But B is also with them. I do actually notice how both M and A seem to object. B seems like a third wheel at a bicycle. She can ski fast, but keeps it slow, so just to be near these two. I am not waiting, but ski downhill. B could ski with me too, we approximately seem to drive at the same level. But she stays near A. And I am again confused and angry. Did I misunderstand something yesterday evening? I feel mocked and disappointed.

Today in the evening we will all celebrate the end of the year. But I am not in the mood. I hate this superficial celebration. I want to celebrate the New Year alone. Maybe I go to the cemetery which is around the corner. I want to have my peace, want to celebrate with the dead rather than with the living. Because a part in my seems to be already dead, or dying. Maybe there are ghosts on the cemetery? I would like to talk to them! Maybe some of them could help me...?

During dinner I constantly look at B, am trying to catch her looking at me. But she evades.

Evening worship service. During the peace greeting I again am considering hugging B, but I only can manage a firm handshake. I look into her eyes, and she in mine. "peace be with you, especially with you".

Again confused. Is there hope? Or is she just playing with me?

Games in the communal room. I cannot escape as everybody would notice my absence. I do notice that others seem also to have some love troubles. One of the guys seems to run after another girl, and another girl has tearful eyes. So I am not alone with my misery. Love is terrible!

We have an alcoholic punch drink, some kind of mulled wine. I drink, to drown my sorrows.

The group is playing games. I hate those games. There is always one who is made fun of.

The year is closing. I had big hopes. And I still have.... but this story now will continue in 1981. See you there!

(and here it continues into the new year 1981:
http://myyear1981.blogspot.co.uk/1981/01/the-beginning-of-new-year.html )

Day 4.

In the morning I wake up very early today. Am anxious to go to the sports store, to get skis.

With one of the friends from our group I go from shop to shop, to ask if the have skis for rent. Nothing. All rented out. No skis.

My hope is gone. The group is going today into a larger skiing resort a bit further away, I would have loved to join them there. But it shall not be. I stay back, when then all drive away. I decide to walk aimlessly through the sunny valley. I walk along a frozen river, cross a bridge, walk along snow-covered trees, through a forest. Tears are running down my cheek. At one point my bag falls down on hard floor. A bottle inside breaks, and when I move my hand into the bag to get the shards, and then I cut myself. Blood is running down my finger, I wrap a tissue around the finger. This all fits perfectly, to be hunted by fate. Everything is against me.

The whole day I stop by at the various sports stores, to check if some skis are now here. Nothing.

I was wondering what everybody would say if I committed suicide. They would probably ask "what have I done wrong?" Now nobody asks this.

But when thinking more clearly, I realise that nobody is actually at fault. A has been actually great, he has not made any attempt towards B, so he is ok. It is B who appears to move towards him... how can I convince her that I am the one she should be looking at?

Back at the lodge I want to read, but cannot concentrate. I go again out, walk.

It is already getting dark, evening. I go into town, again into one of the sports stores - and they have skis! Not ideal, a bit too short for me, but I do not mind. I have skis now! On the way back I see a van with some from our group returning from skiing - and I join them. I am so glad. Now I can also join them skiing, tomorrow. No more waiting back in the house.

During dinner I see that B and A are sitting together at the table, are laughing. I try to remain calm.

Then after dinner I decide to play my card: "B, we should now do some math tutoring". She cannot escape. Both B and St will have to do one hour of mathematics now. I have promised their mothers that I will give them some tutoring in this subject, because their marks have fallen drastically. They are actually enthusiastically looking forward to this tutoring session.

I am sitting in the middle, St is at my right, B is at my left. I explain, quadratic equations. Then I feel that B is leaning against me. St looks jealously, I enjoy it, cannot believe it. B's hand is there, I slowly begin stroking it. This is something I have never ever done before. Walls are breaking down. I feel dizzy. I keep stroking her hand. St says "B, you are mean!" I do not understand. But it does not matter, I simply enjoy the situation. My math explanations stop. If St would not be here, I would hug B. But St wants to have exact explanations of math. So I try to concentrate again, keep explaining. Then I feel again B's arm close to mine, and I gently touch it and stroke it. B looks at me, directly into my eyes.

I feel that we are together, that everything will be good.

After math tutoring we go outside into the cold night. We decide again to have some fun with phone calls. We throw snow at each other.

A wonderful evening. After that bad beginning, after that desperation that I was suffering the whole day, now this wonderful ending. Now everything looks possible. I have overcome my walls, I have exceeded anything I had done up to now in my life. I am so looking forward to the next days!

Day 3.

The new day begins with new hope. I cannot be beaten, I will do my part to win this time.

But B is again away, skiing. I am slowly thinking that it was a mistake to only take cross-country skis. I am going again, this time with another group. It is fun, we go on some tracks in the valley, but then also up on that hill where the Alpine skiers are.

I am tired, my muscles ache, I am not used to so much activity. But I go again out in the afternoon for a walk. B is still skiing, I wish I could join her. And I decide that I will get Alpine skis. I will rent them in one of the sport stores.

But not today anymore. The others in the communal room are singing, playing guitar, playing games. I hate to join them, I feel like crying. But I still have one joker to play: I have promised to do tutoring of B and St in mathematics. That was the whole reason why they could join us in this winter holiday. I will eventually use this joker.

When B comes back from skiing, she is tired. No cross-country run this night.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, when I will get Alpine skis. Then I will be able to join B.

Day 2.

It is evening now, night, and I am disappointed. Already.
In the morning it had begin so positively. B was going skiing. Since I did not have any alpine skis with me, I was bound to remain in the valley. I was going cross-country skiing - with A and his entourage. I did actually enjoy it. I have always been close to A. Maybe that is the reason why we always fell for the same girl.

Wonderful sunshine. I constantly think of B. Am looking forward to do again cross-country skiing in the evening. The day goes by so slowly.

Then she is back. Tired, but happy from her skiing. I press her hand firmly when saying hello. She must have noticed. Maybe I also should have hugged her.

We are going cross-country in the evening. But A also wants to join. B appears to be happy about it, and I am uneasy. I keep close to B, but then A is also here, closely catching up. A starry night, clear, cold.

B, St and I decide to have some fun and make some prank calls from a public phone. Just for a small amount call someone arbitrary in a foreign country. B asks A if he wants to join us. I am getting angry. She keeps trying to be close to him, I notice this. It is not at all A's fault, he is actually quite passive, as he has another interest: M. He is always with M who watches B's attempts with apparent jealousy. But B seems not to be disturbed by this...

I am trying to read a book in the communal room, but I cannot concentrate. A group of guys is drinking cherry wine. I join them. I realise that I do like the taste of alcohol. It has something soothing, numbing the pain.

The big hope that I had is already gone. Only after two days. What will the following 10 days bring?

Day 1.

Today in the morning the group met, we were picked up by several vehicles, then heading towards the mountains. A short good-bye to the parents, then they remain back. And my adventure begins.

I am sitting in the bus just behind B and St. I am glad that A is not in the same vehicle.
We are joking a lot. Then the mountains appear. Some snow lies on the ground. I am so happy.

We arrive in the early afternoon, move into our rooms. I am with 7 others in the room upstairs, just under the roof.

Then walking outside, in the snow, with Stephen. The others arrive with other vehicles.

We are playing some dice games in the community room. It is dark outside. Then we decide to go cross country skiing.
This is my very first time on these cross country skis. They are much thinner than Alpine downhill skis, which I am used to.

We run across the plane. B and I were racing ahead, laughing at each other. I am so happy. We stop at an ice cream parlour, each gets an ice cream cone. Even though it is winter, dark, cold. But we feel warm.

I am so happy. This was a wonderful day. Things will be good, I know it.

The evening before

Tomorrow it will begin.
I have done whatever I could.
And it looks good. I am happy. Finally.
I am optimistic. I am in love with BW.
She is so funny, so energetic.

And she likes me. She was so happy that I finally got it sorted to go onto this winter holiday with our group.
Everybody will be there. R., and her sister Ch., BW and her friend St. And A. will be there too.

This worries me. A. has been a determining force in the past year. He has interfered with my dreams, has made sure that they end up in smoke. I have suffered a lot, from the beginning of March until the end of July. Then a new era started. First my affection to R. Then all that back and forth in the autumn months of this past year. But now things seem clear. My goal is to be with BW.

I never had a girlfriend yet. I only had dreams. I am used to dream about girls, about being with them. For many years I was in love with BU. Then, after changing school, I kept dreaming. I was a hero in my dreams, constantly saving my princess. Then I fell in love with UR. Again only dreaming. Then time moved on, and real opportunities arose. But I was weak, shy. Not able to leave my shell that had built up around me.

I fell in love with CP, then A took her. I fell in love with HL then A took her. And most recently, I fell in love with SA, then A took her. I hate A. He has interfered with any relation I had hopes for.

And now he will be there too, at this winter holiday. I am a bit scared of this prospect, and he did already begin his work. I was so angry when he joined the group which I had established. When he talked to R whom I had a crush on, a few months ago. And now he is around when B and St are there. I am worried. But I have to face this challenge. I will not again succumb, I will fight this time. I will do what I have to do.

I am looking forward to these coming 12 days. These 12 days will change everything. I will not be the same afterwards, this is what I already know. Because I will go beyond my limitations.

TWELVE DAYS

27 December 1980 - 7 January 1981

... 12 days which rocked my life. Nothing after that was as it was before. Scarred forever.

On my way

So.
Am now making paper stars.
Since a few days I have found my way.
(for how long?)
I am expecting nothing.
I hope for nothing.
I just want to relax.
It shall be funny.
I want to be happy.
Nothing else.
I am so very much looking forward.

Joy

God, I thank you
(I did say the same 3 months ago)
Everything goes by itself.
I will get cross country skis.
Everybody liked the cake.
The card is great, funny, exquisite!
A pity that there is such a long time until Monday morning break.
(pity that it is so short until Monday, I have so much to learn for school!

I am looking forward to everything coming!

I will go!

It is...
I am allowed to go.
I will go.
I...
... ...
a bit afraid.
really quite so.
but no reason.
I will go

Heueueueueueueueueu!

I want to go!

I want to go to that winter retreat!
Yes!
The others also all want it.
All?
Well, a part of them.
And especially me.
Now it gets serious.
I know.
In one issue I have lost completely and have calculated wrongly.
But I want to go.

Again a list:

Contra:
- bicycle illumination
- group photo album
- my own photo albums
- my own music compositions (hahaha!)
- learning for exams
- resting, recuperation
- motor calculations

Pro:
- I want to go!
- the others want this too that I go!
- it certainly will be funny!
- I would have a better time than at home

Now I have to tell you something, you softie: first you are convinced that you need to go, then you are already dreaming about how you will tell it to the others, and now you are sitting here and are squeezing out your soul into that writing....
I have to say...
the most important thing is to convince the parents. That is the most difficult thing.
Why being so afraid? A bit more courage, please!

Anger, hope and frustration

ha, haaah, haaaah...
what is there to say?
sh... ? no, not.
Let me better vent my anger towards a certain subject: you bastard!
What did you tell? I would be softened by them? Your strong hand would be missing?
(I do not mean you, god, also not you, Jesus, no! I have already accepted your influences. But this bastard!)

But something different:
As it goes, this up and down, so today was, well what?
An up? or a down?

Once again it was funny.
I was outgoing. My 2nd nature!
"great"
well, ok
But!
Where was she? yes, I mean you, R!
...
was I again on the wrong course?
Well, god, now I have to tell you something: if you continue like this (letting me just do and not helping me), then I will be so without spine that I will not believe myself. I am actually already now like this. My own wishful thinking is pushed back. It is worthless, groundless. I just need to have a wish, and sure it will not be fulfilled.
If you continue like this, I will become a frustrated object without any will.
But I know what will happen then: I will grab onto my pride.
Like today during the break: it is bitter to give up something out of pride, but it is a strengthening feeling.

Should I go onto that winter holiday?
Of course I want to go! Especially because there are humans who like that I join them there.
yes, I know. Lots of homework. Ooooh!

Happy - and afraid

What was going on today?
Well, guess!
According to probability theory today must have been something positive.
Guessed correctly!
Got good grades in some school exams.
Then in the break...
... strange.
When I appeared... I dare not to say it, to write it:
they were happy...
"oh, here he is...!"

I am afraid of tomorrow.
Of a destruction of that little illusion.
The whole life obviously consists of fluctuations.
Back and forth, up and down.
I am afraid.

Depressed

It is a pity, it is lamentable that I cannot write down all feelings hourly.
Because in between the single short texts, which I write here, there are huge gaps.
For example between the previous text and this here. I could have written something in the evening, then in the night, then Sunday night, the today morning, in the break, and just now.
But now I do not know where to start.
Fact is that the previous entry from 6.Dec is completely put into question. Today in the morning was "storm and urge". I would have liked to go into each classroom and take out the crucifixes and break each single one.

Maybe electric power is not so good.
A good rope would perhaps be better.
Never again in my whole life I will be in winter vacation with them!
Now, this winter, would be the last opportunity.
Gone! Missed it!
Then there is only the Easter hike, and the Pentecost journey.
I have to tell the parents that during the Pentecost holiday I want to go with the group, not with the parents.
Time is pressing too much.
But probably after this winter vacation I will have to write off everything anyway.
Gone.
Like so often.
I am used to new beginnings.
But I hate it.
I want a place where I can rest.
Finally be happy for once!
I will never succeed!

Knowing what I want

Once again I know what I actually want.
Or? Maybe I am not really so sure?
It speaks for it that this wish has appeared again and again.
Repeatedly interrupted, but with a certain continuity.
Still 2 weeks!
Little time!
I am feeling sick.
The snow has almost completely melted.

Another bad day

It will not be long that I will be sick and tired of all that shit.
The I-do-not-know-how-often-th time I am angry, after I was fine the whole day.
Soon I will give up, will retreat in happy loneliness.
Where I stand at the moment is completely unclear.
Somewhere in-between.
I do not know what I actually want.

I have no idea how it will continue.
There are still 2 weeks of school, filled with cruel stress (I do not know what to do when), then will be Christmas holiday and the winter vacation.