New confidence

Funny, too funny!
What has really happened in recent days? The whole last week: monotonously increasing resignation. A, the incarnation of evil!
At the weekend: strengthening, reinforcement, but in negative direction!
Evil is trump!
Courage, spontaneity! I get up again and encourage myself into hatred and evil-ness.

Then, Monday, first unbelievable success.
Tuesday, unbelievable success.
Wednesday, unbelievable success.
Only now I realise what has happened. Only now I become conscious of my success. A pity that we have now a few days off. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday will pass by in vain.
But Monday! Or? Wait.
Courage, spontaneity, rational thinking!

So far everything has gone wrong when I let myself be guided by feelings. But once I did switch them off, success comes. What a terrible lesson have I to learn from this?

I am disgusted by the word "success". I do not want success, but happiness. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I did not demand anything from god, and did not thank for anything. Maybe it is best to rely only on yourself, and not push responsibility to god.

So now I am responsible myself. Well, good luck!

Autumn

Autumn is the most beautiful of the seasons. Everything slowly dies, it is getting cooler, morning fog, sometimes blue sky, wonderful bizarre clouds, storms blow the fallen leafs up, the trees are covered in there most beautiful colors before they die.

The most beautiful time of the day is the evening. This half-state in between day and night, the twilight. It is quiet, and not loud and noisy like the morning.

Well, who cares.

No own initiative

Quite a long time has passed since my last entry. In the meantime my cold got terrible, so probably on Saturday I will not go to our TP evening. It does not matter to me now. Last Saturday I would have not been so indifferent. After that Thursday and Friday it would have been a catastrophy if I had not got gone on Saturday!
But I had been wrong. The evening hike was a big disaster. Once again I only could laugh about myself. I mostly walked alone. Then, on Monday, full of new hope - fiasco. Tuesday: fiasco. Wednesday - guess what? Damned!

I should not complain so much. Because when I look in different directions, then something did quite improve. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - days of reconciliation!

But still. No I had once tried to do my own thing, to have a wish myself (after a long time) and to try to fulfil it - and what? Again higher powers. I am a playball of god. Well, wait.

I have no drive or courage to get up again. The own initiative is gone! I let myself drift. (Wait how long that lasts! In recent weeks I have often changed my mind).

Maybe it would be better to write here stenography.... (unreadable scribble)

Lame me!

My ball pen writer is broken.
Therefore I am using now another one.
Am I actually a ZERO?
Apparently.
No fighting ambition is in me.
Is god only there for As?
We will see tonight.

Bookfair

Today I did have actually good opportunities. But since A has been messing around, since he has been in "my" company, in "my group", he has caused havoc - again. A whole group went to the bookfair today. I did this the past two years also, a wonderful event, with lots of freebies from publishers. I always enjoyed this event, just by itself. And so today I also was looking forward. But in particular, because B, St and R were there. A good opportunity to finally hook up. Of course that would require me to decide what I actually want... but neither of my aspirations was fulfilled, because - A went with all three of them in the same car! I only had the choice to drive there with a few other people. Damn....