Confused

Now I do not know anymore what is going on.
The whole last week I have let myself go, until I did not know anymore in which direction I wanted to go and where I did belong to. Saturday evening was a huge waste. I almost had cried. Then I could only laugh about it. Now at the moment I do not know what is going on. I find everything quite funny, but where am I?

I just noticed that my handwriting is horrible. I should really try more to get some regularity into my handwriting, as I have succeeded so well during the meditation retreat in summer. When one tries, then one also gets much calmer.

A warning!

If someone should have dared to read this diary until here, you shall put this away immediately! Because what follows now is for no-one's eyes!

Added on 11 January 1981:
Keep reading. 
Even if that has originally not been written for others to see.
If you have read everything, you will be the only person who will understand me completely.

Creative activity warms!

When drawing, painting, or playing piano I have to take the sweater off, otherwise I am getting too warm. The creative activity apparently creates a heightened body temperature!

New confidence

Since a few hours I am once again have made a new experience. (A good beginning! I still have to decide how to continue!) So: until now I only did look at external qualities. But now I know that inner values have more meaning than the outer skin. I always knew this, but it never did appear in practise. I was always desperate, stubbornly went into one direction, cried when I was not successful, and pushed all responsibility to god. Today I let god act, and I just let myself flow through the events, without influencing them. It was successful. I was distracted from my goal, but got a new one. God, thank you!



Yes, after that nice evening hike I realized that I should not focus so much on R, but rather accept St. I did have a good time, walking through the forest in the evening with that group of other teenagers. Night set in, and it was magical. No desperation as a similar night hike had caused half a year ago. I was actually happy tonight!

The Mill of Time

Very strange.
We say that time is running fast.
But while we live, nothing exiting happens. We have breakfast, eat lunch, have dinner, every day like the previous one.
No important events, or only seemingly none?
While time is flowing, we change, get older.
We do not notice how drop by drop our life moves on.
Only when looking back one notices the turns in life.
During the normal living, everything appears to be normal and usual.
One is waiting for changes, for events, for things to happen.
But nothing happens.
So it seems!
While we look intensively into one direction, the event happens quietly behind our back, and we notice nothing.
Therefore: be open towards all sides!
Sometimes turn and look into the other direction!
Then perhaps one sees how the mill is turning, even if it is turning only very slowly.