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I might be allowed to go with them to the winter holiday. Today I apparently looked very bad and also felt that way, I am having a terrible cold the whole week. And my mother seemed to suspect that I had problems.
Now I am split:
Pro:
- they will be there
- I must not sequester myself
- I want to rest and would come back recovered
Contra:
- the others are also there (A, H)
- a certain loss of credibility (?)
- too expensive (need ski equipment)
- parents, christmas, presents, celebration
- homework during the holidays
If I would go to that winter vacation, it could happen that I sequester, that I am isolated.
If I stay, I AM isolated.
I would cry every night, I know that already now.
Well then, mercy, Lord!
BTW, where have you been recently?
Do you exist?
What is that game that you are playing with me?
I am soon exploding!
Today everything went wrong.
I have a terrible anger in my stomach.
But just one hour ago nothing seemed to matter!
I was quiet and balanced.
Even though I had behaved today typically idiotically.
So half in trance, only with a few contributions to conversations... well;
then my photographs had not yet been ready, the pictures which I was so looking forward to!
Now I again cannot show them tomorrow!
But the highlight was when my parents were here, even though they had planned to go shopping. I was so looking forward to play my piano improvisations, especially because I did feel that today was my mots musical day since a long time. The whole day I melodies went in my head, from Gregorian Choral to Rock'n Roll, from melodic to extatic.
Well, such a shit day!
Now again everything is completely different!
I am getting crazy!
Everything goes its way.
Somewhere it also ends.
Everything moves towards a goal.
But I am not recognising this goal.
Sometimes I believe that I recognise it, but these are only "Fata Morganas".
I cannot say anything definitive anymore.
Since a long time.
I only know that actually I find all humans nice.
One cannot hate a human when you know him/her - or understand him/her.
But one of them I do not understand.
I think I have gotten a new self awareness. I am feeling strong and happy. I am looking forward, even if there perhaps the foundation to new conflicts has been laid.
Ha! That was funny today!
This time I am writing these words without any evil ironic undertone!
It was really funny!
In the 6th hour.
From now on I am engaged as physics tutor for them.
Wednesday, 6th hour.
That will be funny!
What I find idiotic is that when talking to other people I stop thinking. Very often in recent times it happened to me that some things that I should have asked or should have said only come into my mind later.
Terrible!
So, yesterday evening is now also gone.
What am I going to do now?
I feel how I really have gotten a tough nucleus inside me. I do not even value past events anymore, but only value future events.
When I think about it, it is all my fault. I have gotten there by my inattentiveness, my wrong pride, which after a long period of rest comes up again.
The 22 nov is over. It was the key date. From now on everything is pre-programmed. Yesterday - irony of fate - I was in church, which half a year ago did hear my laments, my desires. And yesterday I did sit next to S, Ch, and R.
What a cruel irony!
Half a year too late!
And I am in exactly the same situation like 8 months ago, in March.
So, from now on I will work hard in school. Everything else does not matter.
And should I dry out, then it is the fault of the others!
Just now I have read all my diary entries up to now. Very interesting! But I have not much time to dwell on this, because - I am now going to R's birthday party! Oh divine chaos!
Yesterday... I am completely finished.
Everything went wrong. But apparently I have gotten a touch nucleus in me.
Everything just bounces off me. I was not even shaken.
No wonder, if you read the diary up to here.
But now for something completely different: my beard is growing since a few weeks! The eye brows are suddenly so thick and bushy.
Sometimes I do not recognize myself in the mirror.
But internally I feel not progressing at all. There is still that childish romanticism, that day dreaming etc. I cannot imagine that I shall shave soon.
Something I noticed: when I close an entry like this, I often write some encouraging words at the end, even though I was not keen on encouragement and superficiality. Also a few hours later that closing seems strange to me.
One can conclude from this that while writing I calm myself down so that I pluck up some courage. But this only lasts for a short time.
Tomorrow is another day. Another day which I have to live, which I am not allowed to skip, even though I would like that.
Well, take care.
I have become lonely.
Today that became very clear to me.
A few days or weeks ago it did not matter to me.
I just ignored this A-group, because I did have another goal.
But now also this has been smashed, of course under great help of A, and I am standing in front of the wreck of my future.
In two days we will travel for a day trip into the big city.
I see no hope.
But despite everything being broken, I will try to use every possible chance.
I cannot be so easily be put down!
Well, for crying out loud!
After the break today I almost did.
Now after the orchestra session I have a bit calmed down. Also the bicycle ride before did help.
But I am excluded.
Excluded from the activities "they" are doing on Saturday evening.
All my fault.
And now also betrayed by my own desires.
Eloi, eloi, lama sabatachni
Nowadays I am starting everyday with big expectations. That is strange, because I know exactly that nothing new can happen. My chances are gone.
Despite this.
The day before yesterday, yesterday, and today I am looking forward to everything that will happen. "looking forward" maybe a bot strong, but I am curious.
I still do not give up anything. I do not get attached to anything, but am just living in the expectation that something will come.
A little bit of deliberation, otherwise just chance.
Sometimes I do succeed with a few "tricks" (is not really the right word), for example on Friday, or yesterday when I said "ask if also my piano lesson is cancelled".
It is clear that with my natural way I cannot progress.
I have to help artificially and with deliberation. I am disgusted by this.
Is a consequence of A's influence.
One or 1 1/2 years ago I was natural, optimistic, full of hope and expectations. The year 1980 has destroyed everything.
I am still standing, but without own initiative.
Yesterday I did repair a bicycle lamp. Maybe I should be more open in that direction. Sure!
This is my own, last chance. Otherwise I would have to start from the very beginning. And that is not healthy.
But for this chance I am lacking the motivation. The same as the two other "chances".
Well, does not matter. Waiting, open-minded (like already 2 months ago, so that again such a chaos can begin) for a chance.
Finished? I am thinking so...
No hope more for the trip in 2 weeks.
Being afraid of the winter holiday.
Finished?
Damned asshole! (not you, the reader, but the other)
Helplessness.
In-vain illusions.
Like always.
zig-zag, zig-zag, zig-zag, ...
No real finish.
No marking stones.
Only zig-zag, zig-zag
Half a year ago - boom - - end.
Now:
zig-zag, zig-zag, zig-zag.
Oh no! It cannot go on like this!
This zig-zag line this week!
Up and down! And of course again A!
Tuesday and Thursday everything was finished for me.
Monday and Wednesday were lucky days.
And today's Friday?
Already yesterday evening I had begun to calm myself down. Nothing yet was lost! On the contrary: things were as good as never before!
Despite this I hate him.
Today was nothing special. So, and now I put here down in writing what I have thought about yesterday evening:
I have set myself a goal.
I will try to reach this goal, despite all resistance.
For a love there are two needed.
One alone cannot love!
To be in love means to want to learn to love the other.
That is terribly difficult!
I know this throughout the whole year 1980.
When I try hard and do not stagnate in expectations, then it must succeed!
I am against the term "falling in love". Has somewhat a connotation of being lost.
So, that's it.
You have still everything ahead of you!
Good luck!
