No own initiative

Quite a long time has passed since my last entry. In the meantime my cold got terrible, so probably on Saturday I will not go to our TP evening. It does not matter to me now. Last Saturday I would have not been so indifferent. After that Thursday and Friday it would have been a catastrophy if I had not got gone on Saturday!
But I had been wrong. The evening hike was a big disaster. Once again I only could laugh about myself. I mostly walked alone. Then, on Monday, full of new hope - fiasco. Tuesday: fiasco. Wednesday - guess what? Damned!

I should not complain so much. Because when I look in different directions, then something did quite improve. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - days of reconciliation!

But still. No I had once tried to do my own thing, to have a wish myself (after a long time) and to try to fulfil it - and what? Again higher powers. I am a playball of god. Well, wait.

I have no drive or courage to get up again. The own initiative is gone! I let myself drift. (Wait how long that lasts! In recent weeks I have often changed my mind).

Maybe it would be better to write here stenography.... (unreadable scribble)