Inner dispute

I might be allowed to go with them to the winter holiday. Today I apparently looked very bad and also felt that way, I am having a terrible cold the whole week. And my mother seemed to suspect that I had problems.

Now I am split:

Pro:
- they will be there
- I must not sequester myself
- I want to rest and would come back recovered

Contra:
- the others are also there (A, H)
- a certain loss of credibility (?)
- too expensive (need ski equipment)
- parents, christmas, presents, celebration
- homework during the holidays

If I would go to that winter vacation, it could happen that I sequester, that I am isolated.

If I stay, I AM isolated.
I would cry every night, I know that already now.
Well then, mercy, Lord!
BTW, where have you been recently?
Do you exist?
What is that game that you are playing with me?