Being open-minded

Nowadays I am starting everyday with big expectations. That is strange, because I know exactly that nothing new can happen. My chances are gone.

Despite this.
The day before yesterday, yesterday, and today I am looking forward to everything that will happen. "looking forward" maybe a bot strong, but I am curious.
I still do not give up anything. I do not get attached to anything, but am just living in the expectation that something will come.
A little bit of deliberation, otherwise just chance.
Sometimes I do succeed with a few "tricks" (is not really the right word), for example on Friday, or yesterday when I said "ask if also my piano lesson is cancelled".
It is clear that with my natural way I cannot progress.
I have to help artificially and with deliberation. I am disgusted by this.
Is a consequence of A's influence.
One or 1 1/2 years ago I was natural, optimistic, full of hope and expectations. The year 1980 has destroyed everything.
I am still standing, but without own initiative.
Yesterday I did repair a bicycle lamp. Maybe I should be more open in that direction. Sure!
This is my own, last chance. Otherwise I would have to start from the very beginning. And that is not healthy.
But for this chance I am lacking the motivation. The same as the two other "chances".
Well, does not matter. Waiting, open-minded (like already 2 months ago, so that again such a chaos can begin) for a chance.