Day 4.

In the morning I wake up very early today. Am anxious to go to the sports store, to get skis.

With one of the friends from our group I go from shop to shop, to ask if the have skis for rent. Nothing. All rented out. No skis.

My hope is gone. The group is going today into a larger skiing resort a bit further away, I would have loved to join them there. But it shall not be. I stay back, when then all drive away. I decide to walk aimlessly through the sunny valley. I walk along a frozen river, cross a bridge, walk along snow-covered trees, through a forest. Tears are running down my cheek. At one point my bag falls down on hard floor. A bottle inside breaks, and when I move my hand into the bag to get the shards, and then I cut myself. Blood is running down my finger, I wrap a tissue around the finger. This all fits perfectly, to be hunted by fate. Everything is against me.

The whole day I stop by at the various sports stores, to check if some skis are now here. Nothing.

I was wondering what everybody would say if I committed suicide. They would probably ask "what have I done wrong?" Now nobody asks this.

But when thinking more clearly, I realise that nobody is actually at fault. A has been actually great, he has not made any attempt towards B, so he is ok. It is B who appears to move towards him... how can I convince her that I am the one she should be looking at?

Back at the lodge I want to read, but cannot concentrate. I go again out, walk.

It is already getting dark, evening. I go into town, again into one of the sports stores - and they have skis! Not ideal, a bit too short for me, but I do not mind. I have skis now! On the way back I see a van with some from our group returning from skiing - and I join them. I am so glad. Now I can also join them skiing, tomorrow. No more waiting back in the house.

During dinner I see that B and A are sitting together at the table, are laughing. I try to remain calm.

Then after dinner I decide to play my card: "B, we should now do some math tutoring". She cannot escape. Both B and St will have to do one hour of mathematics now. I have promised their mothers that I will give them some tutoring in this subject, because their marks have fallen drastically. They are actually enthusiastically looking forward to this tutoring session.

I am sitting in the middle, St is at my right, B is at my left. I explain, quadratic equations. Then I feel that B is leaning against me. St looks jealously, I enjoy it, cannot believe it. B's hand is there, I slowly begin stroking it. This is something I have never ever done before. Walls are breaking down. I feel dizzy. I keep stroking her hand. St says "B, you are mean!" I do not understand. But it does not matter, I simply enjoy the situation. My math explanations stop. If St would not be here, I would hug B. But St wants to have exact explanations of math. So I try to concentrate again, keep explaining. Then I feel again B's arm close to mine, and I gently touch it and stroke it. B looks at me, directly into my eyes.

I feel that we are together, that everything will be good.

After math tutoring we go outside into the cold night. We decide again to have some fun with phone calls. We throw snow at each other.

A wonderful evening. After that bad beginning, after that desperation that I was suffering the whole day, now this wonderful ending. Now everything looks possible. I have overcome my walls, I have exceeded anything I had done up to now in my life. I am so looking forward to the next days!