I am going skiing. For the first time since quite a while. Alpine skiing is very different from cross country skiing. I do enjoy going downhill with a good speed.
For a while I try to teach St and R about skiing. St enjoys it, R does not. Anyway, St appears to be interested in me. I have noticed this yesterday evening too. Well, she is not exactly my type. Is pretty, but I am in love with B. They are best friends, B and St, always together. As do most girls: they always appear in pairs.
Meanwhile A is also on the ski slopes, with his "love interest" M. But B is also with them. I do actually notice how both M and A seem to object. B seems like a third wheel at a bicycle. She can ski fast, but keeps it slow, so just to be near these two. I am not waiting, but ski downhill. B could ski with me too, we approximately seem to drive at the same level. But she stays near A. And I am again confused and angry. Did I misunderstand something yesterday evening? I feel mocked and disappointed.
Today in the evening we will all celebrate the end of the year. But I am not in the mood. I hate this superficial celebration. I want to celebrate the New Year alone. Maybe I go to the cemetery which is around the corner. I want to have my peace, want to celebrate with the dead rather than with the living. Because a part in my seems to be already dead, or dying. Maybe there are ghosts on the cemetery? I would like to talk to them! Maybe some of them could help me...?
During dinner I constantly look at B, am trying to catch her looking at me. But she evades.
Evening worship service. During the peace greeting I again am considering hugging B, but I only can manage a firm handshake. I look into her eyes, and she in mine. "peace be with you, especially with you".
Again confused. Is there hope? Or is she just playing with me?
Games in the communal room. I cannot escape as everybody would notice my absence. I do notice that others seem also to have some love troubles. One of the guys seems to run after another girl, and another girl has tearful eyes. So I am not alone with my misery. Love is terrible!
We have an alcoholic punch drink, some kind of mulled wine. I drink, to drown my sorrows.
The group is playing games. I hate those games. There is always one who is made fun of.
The year is closing. I had big hopes. And I still have.... but this story now will continue in 1981. See you there!
(and here it continues into the new year 1981:
http://myyear1981.blogspot.co.uk/1981/01/the-beginning-of-new-year.html )
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